Self forgiveness has been such a struggle for me. Growing up I did not feel validated, so I always felt that everything was literally and figuratively my fault. As an adult, the wounds are still fresh although I have children of my own; I still struggle with being "triggered" by certain events. Feeling that the ones I chose to have close to me are the one's who want to see me fail. That was true in the past. The family I have now are the opposite; people I have created and others that have always been there as silent motivation.
I have realized that my whole life, I did not want things to be about race....because it always seem to be. Well, yea, it is....was and will continue. You begin to understand hearing growing up; "you shouldn't mix races". Being bi-racial, I did not get it. Nor did I know I was apart of a new race myself; the "bi" race. This storyline can be different of everyone. Being that person who always feels the obligation to stand in the neutral zone. Not admittingly afraid of failing but not purposely....excelling.
It gets easier every time you pick yourself; the next jump looks shorter but this time at a different angle. The faster we overcome fear, the more automatic we become. But in the automation, do we lose ourselves a bit? Or is that a safe place until the next transition? Whatever it may be. I regret nothing in life. That has been my personal motto since I knew I was here for some reason. The purpose and reason may change but the energy has a signature. I cannot help but feel I have done this before. Been at war, tried to compromise...and now...it's on.