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12.14.2020 #Journal

Updated: Mar 22, 2021

With the end of the year approaching, that familiar pressure is coming down to make me and others feel like there was not enough done in the year of 2020. Do not be fooled. this year has been just like the others, more than it needed to Whenever I think of the last year, the last major traumatic events keeps coming back to mind. When I found out that the father of my youngest children, emotionally scarred and abandonment my kids and I; then I was abandoned by my mother and brothers. I am someone who has no problem moving forward and not looking back, that is what I did. The mistake was not processing what really happened and how it made me feel. I was fucking heart broken. I felt that everyone who was supposed to be there for me stabbed me in the back.

If I would of taken the time to work through the way that I felt, there would have been a lot less addition hurt and anger added to the mix. That was not the case though. When heavy feelings would come up, instead of crying or letting it out, I just kept telling myself that I was ok. I had kids and an ailing father to care for, I did not have time to be down. This is where we all fuck up, not allowing ourselves time that we allow others....if we allow others. Not being someone who likes to keep looking at the negative in things, I am always willing to move foreword. Again, not a bad thing but if you learn surgery before it is done, you have a bigger problem then what you started with. This is where I found myself; overwhelmed and afraid of being what I was raised in. An individual that was only concerned with their feelings and material things, living in a life of scarcity. Alas, not me.

Recently I deleted all friends off of my FB and personal Insta accounts. Social media is a beautiful thing but it can become unbearable sometimes. I generally like to see what people post and browse through groups of interest. There is the more than occasional low vibe troller who always seems to have nothing to do. Then ironically, there are times where I feel what someone says is so out there I need to say something; thus becoming the troll. I tend to not post or speak about certain topics like politics. My views of it are of my own and no one will change my mind; I find it hilarious and sad that people fight about who is gonna win a staged play. I did make a post about the elections and there was one person (who has always been silent) who decided to say something but it was of pure ego. There was so discussion of what I intended or anything, just talking shit; thus proving my point to myself. This is a waste of my time. Energy exchange is real and the more I progress in my path, the more "I see". After deleting everyone, there was a lot less chatter in my energy field. I discovered what my energy was and how I read other energies.

I will not be adding people back on social in a personal matter unless it is that, we have personal exchanges with each other, other than that; things outside my reality cannot and will not have a pull on me anymore. I intend to have friends and do but will not be entertaining things I do not want to. A right that everyone has.

Moving forward, when the heavy feeling start to come up again; I will use is as a stepping stone to see where I am from where I have come. Still not gonna be pressuring to live my life any way but the way I see fit. If everyone else seems to, then I can too.

Much Love and Asé


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