Now, that I am 35 and have had many more life experiences; I cling to hope that I have not wasted my time trying to succeed. I look in the mirror everyday, pumping myself up, "You got this! Look at all that you have learned and created! You are beautiful, feel good, do good...."; then that voice in my head starts going. "But you do not have a "career", you have kids out of wedlock, your family does not even love you, everyone just uses you!" Like fuck, I just opened my eyes and this is how my day starts every day! People may be surprised(or may not...lol) to know that I think like that.
The reading on YouTube was talking about how the work ethic that my parents had was drilled into my subconscious......boy was it! Ever since I got my first job at 15, it was full steam ahead. I loved going to work, I love moving and of course, I love making money. It came so natural to me because I had been doing chores for a good part of my childhood and again, wanted recognition. My little kid brain did not register what being implanted into the most tender part of me; you are never going to be good enough!!!
Having a job was never the problem for me, it was how it was ran. Coming from my upbringing, there was always a more efficient and practical way to do...everything. Feeling was not something that I was taught was ok, so my emotions were so out of whack. The moment something did not work out, I was a hot fucking mess! Then later on that night, week or month; I was still beating myself up. I still beat myself up over shit that has happened over 15 years ago. WTF.....why!?!?! Because, I was not go enough to solve or fix the problem and somewhere inside, I still feel and hold on to this dense darkness that drags me under unexpectedly. I saw it was but I felt that void enveloping me every time.
There were days that I just said, "Fuck it!" I let myself just plummet to the bottom of my sadness and cradle me to sleep. Sleep...lol...wtf is that? Sleep is a friend of mine that I have never truly embraced because I was to consumed with succeeding. But, what was succeeding? I used to think that it was working as many hours as you could to buy lots of things that you never have time to use. Fill my space with things that I think I like, or may like and then it would just sit there, collecting dust. This was not only my material world but it was my mental and spiritual too. The "good work ethic" was not making me feel good at all, this is not what I was taught life was.
But, this was my life, every day. Dragging myself out of bed, already wanting to cry. I do not know how I did this every day....I had great teachers. I was taught that hard work was all you needed to be "happy". Still, I was not happy....what gives?
Now, that I am 35 and have had many more life experiences; I cling to hope that I have not wasted my time trying to succeed. I look in the mirror everyday, pumping myself up, "You got this! Look at all that you have learned and created! You are beautiful, feel good, do good...."; then that voice in my head starts going. "But you do not have a "career", you have kids out of wedlock, your family does not even love you, everyone just uses you!" Like fuck, I just opened my eyes and this is how my day starts every day! People may be surprised(or may not...lol) to know that I think like that, it has been like that for years.
I got really good on putting on a face for everyone but I think it was really for me. Convincing myself that I do have it all together, everyone in my life values me and that I was not a failure. I do not think that I am a failure 100% but I do know that I do not have it all together, nor does everyone in my live value me. Values are different from person to person. We all say we want that simple life but what is that exactly? Simplicity can be so complex.
Everyday, I am being reminded of how much more learning I have to do but I have looked back and seen where I have come from. I can say that I am so fucking proud of myself, not for repressing my emotions but for allowing them to be there at all. Detachment is something that I have almost mastered but the truth is.....I care too much. And, that is not the easiest thing for me to admit to myself. Now that I have held all these emotions in, they have to come out. Not surprised with all these planets in retrograde. Lol.
I value myself so much that I put money and time into my videos and website; again, I thought it was for other people but it is really for me. A place where I hold my own value, in my own way, on my own terms. All of the flaws and inconsistency are me ALL DAY! But, this site is still here and I am still putting energy into it. Because, I do love myself, value myself and I'm getting this shit together!!!
Much Love and Ase...